Congratulations are in order, to the person who stole my dark silver Carrera AM Fury mountain bike from the Kirkgate in Dunfermline on Saturday afternoon. It was chained to the gates of the Abbey just outside The Creepy Wee Pub, however the thief managed to crack the combination lock in broad daylight and make off with the bike from right under my nose as I sat next to the window enjoying a beer in the boozer.
I’d also like to congratulate the Police Contact Centre for being about as useful as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest. After giving them a call to report the crime, it was reassuring to be put through to a call centre in Glenrothes when the crime was committed here at the other side of Fife.
Apparently Fife Council’s extensive and normally intrusive CCTV network actually managed to record the crime being committed, however, the police request to acquire stills of the crime “could take up to a week,” said one officer on the telephone - by which time my bike will have probably been sold to Smack Generator or had the serial numbers filed off it and the frame resprayed an entirely different colour. What surprised me even more, however, was the response I got upon requesting if I would be able see the CCTV stills myself: “This won't be possible,” remarked the officer on the phone, “as these images come under the Data Protection Act.” In other words, the criminal's identity is protected by law and any attempt by me to identify him would be in breech of his civil liberties.
One assumes, however, that had a bottle of Buckfast been nicked from a local supermarket, the rapid response unit would have sprung into action and caught the criminal almost instantly since the last thing we need in this community is for multinational corporations to lose any profit.
As it happens, I am only a mere citizen who is becoming so accustomed to being ripped off and let down by the system that I am virtually anaesthetized to it all anyway. So, enjoy my bike, whoever stole it, and pray that you don’t break your neck if it throws you over the handlebars.