Friday, January 18. 2013
I downloaded Zero Dark Thirty off BitTorrent because I thought I’d review the film exclusively for Media Underground. I’m not going to pay one dime for a Lockheed Martin commercial and I knew how it ends so here’s my take. The film should be called Zero Fuck Movie. It begins with a retarded looking ginger anorexic pale Carrot Juice Maya bitch standing in the background during a torture scene, but you’re supposed to feel sorry for her because she can’t stand to watch torture. First thoughts: any CIA agent in that room is going to be a West Point graduate and a professional sadist and is not going to give a fuck about torture. When they keep cutting back to her with that Florence Nightingale compassion cunt-face, it’s utterly laughable.
Everyone thinks this film is hard to watch because of the torture scenes. The torture scenes are actually difficult to watch because the movie sucks tail pipes. It has nothing to do with torture itself. The point is it feels like torture because you’re thirty minutes into this film and you know you have another two and a half hours of this stick figure Carrot Top creature who has the acting skills of a corpse. Worst acting I’ve seen since I watched NORAD explain the timelines to the 9-11 Commission. I wouldn’t even call it acting. I would call it a three hour snuff film. They repeat their lines like someone just asked them to repeat their lines. Two Girls One Cup could walk into the room and eat fresh shit off the floor, no reaction.
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