Ken Eakins of Right Where You Are Sitting Now asked me to contribute a regular column to his website whereby, each week, I teach you ways of keeping 'The Man' on his toes. Here's this week's instalment...
TVL Resistance
One Afternoon back in 2004, my telephone rang…
“Hello?”
“Mr. Mortimer?”
“Who wants to know?”
“Television Licensing. You don’t seem to have a TV license registered at your address.”
“I wasn’t aware that I needed one. You see, I don’t have a television.”
“Okay, we’ll update our records to reflect this, however, we’ll need to send out one of our colleagues to confirm this.”
“Don’t you believe me?”
“It’s not that we don’t believe you, it’s just that statistically 99% of people who claim not to have a television actually do have one.”
“Are you calling me a liar?”
“Not at all, we just need to confirm some details.”
“And how are you going to achieve this?”
“One of our colleagues will come round to your door within the next seven days.”
“And how are they going to gain access to my property?”
“Well, we’d hope you’d let them in, sir.”
“I don’t think so. I don’t let strangers into my home.”
“This is just a routine check. Our inspector should be carrying the appropriate identification if you are in any doubt. He/she just needs to confirm whether or not you possess equipment capable of receiving a television signal.”
“Then you’d better go to the police and get a search warrant or put one of your fictional detector vans outside my door as I’m damned if I’m letting anyone into my property.”
“Oh, there’s no need to be like that, Mr. Mortimer.”
“Erm… I don’t recall confirming that my name was Mortimer. However, do feel free to get a search warrant and break down my door with the strong arm of the law. Then, once you discover that I don’t have a TV, I’ll see you in court on charges of harassment. Goodbye.”
And so ended my communication back in 2004 with TV Licensing. I dare say this approach would work even if you are in possession of a television. The key to dealing with this authority is never to give them any information whatsoever - even if they turn up at your door. If in doubt, say nothing, hang up the telephone, or close the door on their grubby little faces.
Television, however, is a ghastly piece of electronica. In an age of virtually infinite digital choice, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to be limited to state sponsored scheduled viewing. For a start, the quality of programming is clearly inversely proportional to the number of channels and shows being created. Big Brother, I’m A Celebrity...Shoot Me In The Head, and quiz shows like Deal Or No Deal? (with no questions whatsoever) are an affront to human intelligence. The days of tuning in to University Challenge - and feeling smart if we knew the answer to two questions during the entire show - have long since gone. Instead of Bamber Gascoigne encouraging us to think, we’ve now got Noel Edmunds taunting a bunch of over-weight, unemployable rubberheads to guess how much money is inside a cardboard box - a show that shouldn’t take more than fifteen seconds, yet tediously runs for up to an hour.
I say unleash the latent rock star from within and throw the bastarding television out of the window. Do it now, goddamnit! And make sure your neighbours see you liberating yourself from this despicable drug, cold turkey-style. Better still, get a long extension lead and launch the TV from your sitting room window whilst the bloody thing is still switched on. Make sure your set is tuned in to some banal show about retarded middle-class couples buying buggered up property in Bulgaria so that others see your contempt at being subjected to this consumerist horseshit. Then get a sledge-hammer and obliterate the remainder of the box into tiny little fragments right there in the middle of the street. Scream “Freedom!” like Mel Gibson being disembowelled, then, bare your arse to the wind - and all the pasty white faces peering out of venetian blinds.
Some of you, however, are probably not quite ready to embark on my one step recovery program. This is unfortunate but understandable given that, if you’re a Gen-Xer, there has probably not been a single day in your entire life where you’ve not been exposed to the dreaded idiot box. In this case, there is still no reason why you should be paying a TV license (which for the most part equates to being little more than an entertainment tax enforced on UK citizens by the British Broadcasting Corporation).
The following is based on actual Freedom Of Information responses concerning BBC/TV Licensing:
Your Rights
1. TV Licensing has no legal right to know your personal details.
2. TV Licensing has no legal right to enter your premises (unless they have a search warrant).
3. You have every legal right to tell them to leave your property.
4. You have every legal right not answer or respond to any TV Licensing query.
5. You have no legal duty to inform or confirm to TV Licensing of whether you are watching or recording live broadcasts or not.
6. TV Licensing has no legal right to confirm this by making a visit to your house.
7. You have every legal right to "use" a TV (i.e. “use” means watching DVDs, kids playing video games, etc) as long as the TV is not connected to an aerial and you are not watching or recording live broadcasts.
Dispelling TV Licensing Myths
1. TV Licensing has no police powers.
2. TV Licensing has no right to caution anyone under the Communications Act.
3. TV Licensing are not "enforcement" officers.
4. The figure of catching evaders is fake.
5. The letters have no substance and are just there to scare the ignorant public.
There is also an excellent resource website on TV License Evasion over at BBCResistance.com that is worth checking out. I particularly liked the blog entry on the TVL Mobile Detection Unit spotted outside Asda that was void of any detection equipment whatsoever.
The blogger writes: “I didn’t spot any equipment in the van except for a few rolls of wallpaper, a book, newspaper and a plastic carrier bag full of rubbish. Clearly the [TV Licensing employee] kills time reading books, drinking coffee and snacking on chocolate bars.” (Right Where You Are Sitting Now article).
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