In San Francisco for their final January 14th show Johnny Rotten famously exclaimed: "Ever get the feeling you're being cheated?" That's how I feel after watching the movie Nothing But The Truth. I know I shouldn't complain because I get all my movies free off BitTorrent. But for the love of God this movie sucked in so many ways I am unable to come up with any metaphors for extreme suckness. I may just type the most heinous descriptors I can come up with right now. "Steaming turd" is the first thing to come to mind. "Incontinent Hollwood CIA handjob" sounds good too. I'm not really sure but I do know this. I have never felt the need to write a movie review until I watched this total shit stain Nothing But The Truth.
Now that I think of it, I should have set my television upside down and watched the movie backwards to get a closer version of the "Truth". First off, it's supposed to be loosely based on the Valerie Plame affair. The projected goat vomit starts with, "Though inspired by actual events, the following is a fictional film that does not depict any actual people or events." Ok fine. That could mean midget porn or an hour and a half long simulated fireplace video. After finishing the film, I feel like it should have started with, "Though you'll be watching inanimate and animate objects moving around on your TV screen, the following is a perfect example of how the CIA and Hollywood have a finger up each other's ass." And does anyone see the irony of a movie called Nothing But The Truth opening with a disclaimer that says it does not depict actual events?
The CIA has got to be writing scripts for Hollywood. I wish I had the skills of the adopted son of a gay union between Bob Woodward and Roger Ebert to explain it all but I don't. Something must be going on here. Maybe I was born with some kind of creepiness meter in my brain. I do remember watching Top Gun as a teenager and we had to walk past a Navy recruiting table right by the exit. I've seen old Nazi propaganda clips on the History Channel and anyone with the intelligent quotient of a dirt clod knows the United States during WWII had some propaganda crap going on too. But how do you convince someone that it's going on to this day? Any adult human with a working spinal column can tell just by the bad writing and tedious dialogue of almost every Hollywood film coming out today. Ever read a police report or an old document released by the Freedom of Information Act? The writing sucks and the jokes aren't funny and it feels like you took a handful of Xanax and washed it down with three shots of Nyquil.
I'm not an expert on foreign policy or the history of the Bush administration, I'm not the best political historian and/or glued to a live feed off the Associated Press at all hours of the day. But I do seem to remember Joe Wilson, the Ambassador to Africa Somewhere, who's an Official Looking Smart Guy For Something, and he wrote an article in the New York Times about yellow cake uranium not being where George Bush said it was for sure and we were all fucked because Iraq was buying it wholesale for building atomic bombs to blow up our freedom. Valerie Plame was Joe Wilson's hot MILF wife and some leak came out that she was CIA. A creepy dude with a hair piece from CNN's Crossfire had opened his small slit for a mouth just to get payback. People were saying he obviously did it on purpose but some smart New York Times person was really the one who said it first and the creepy hair piece guy just regurgitated it.
People start freaking balls out, saying the smart reporter was Judith Miller and she had some connection to a high placed U.S. government official who told her "not to tell anyone" and "really, really not to tell anyone" because "that's just the beer talking "and "I'll be in deep shit if you wanted to write it down and I think I have a pen somewhere." Anyway that's the story I got from just reading headlines on the front page of news papers as I walked past the magazine rack. I also remember a bipolar homeless junky on the street saying he thought it was Cheney and then he needed spare change to get a forty-ounce. So I'm not the only person who knows this.
Now let's get back to Nothing But The Truth. Take everything I just wrote above and read it all backwards. Wait, not really backwards but think the complete opposite but not in any order. Here's the plot: Valerie Plame is an angry bitter foul mouthed bitch. You see Joe Wilson for two seconds and he's a dick with sun glasses who dumps her and drives away after saying something stupid to his cranky wife Valerie. Judith Miller, the main character, is a sweet caring mother who is kind, rational and a journalistic Joan of Arc. She writes a story for the New York Times that's the next big scoop since Watergate. She narcs out Valerie who now has the press following her everywhere and calls our poor Judith the "c" word for opening her big mouth.
They take Judy to court and she stands by her principles and will never reveal her source. Matt Dillon, the guy who's trying to find the source, is a complete dick and wants to throw the poor martyr in jail. The judge is trying to be fair but he's worried about National Security. She goes to the pokey and all the black people are mean to her. The jail scenes go on for the rest of the film which is over an hour. This is where you want to shoot yourself in the head. Her son Timmy (I'm not making this up), poor TIMMY is missing his mommy. The Valerie Plame character gets assassinated by a lone right wing gunman who loves the President. Judith is sorry and bawling like a stuffed pig but still not talking shit. She gets beat up in jail but keeps her mouth shut. Alan Alda is the lawyer trying his best but he's a dick too because he has an expensive suit. Blah blah blah the jail scene goes on and on again. She even chooses to go back to jail for another two years to protect Cheney... Wait, I mean her "source" – who unbelievably turns out to be an 8 year-old kid on a school bus. Whoops! Warning: Spoiler Alert. Oh, too bad. I just told you and I don't give a fuck.
Who's the real Judith Miller, our main character? With just a few clicks of the mouse you get all kinds of non-Hollywood info. She wrote how Iraq had WMDs to whip up American support for Operation Iraqi Oil Change. She found out about those metal tubes intended to be used to enrich nuclear material but they were just metal tubes made for beer cans or some crap. She claimed the double-wide trailer homes in Iraq were bio-weapons mobile labs for rat poison. She even gets an empty fake letter of Anthrax while everyone else gets the real shit. Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld appeared on television and pointed to poor Timmy's mom as the only reporter with the prophetic insight for going to war with Iraq. None of this was in the movie.
Oh but Goddam, if you watch Nothing But The Truth, she's such a sweetheart beauty queen standing up for Truth and Justice. She's missing her son and her asshole husband fucks around on her while she's in jail. She's tossed around like the tiny swordfish boat in the Perfect Storm . She's so unbelievably brave and suffers like a Christ figure with nice tits. It's such a heart wrenching story and when the credits pop up I feel like I've been beaten in the head with a shovel for two hours. It has nothing to do with anything remotely based on an inspired hallucination of any actual non-events. Watch it yourself and tell me I'm not crazy.
It's a Hollywood version of a CIA All Anal Cum Fiesta I downloaded right off BitTorrent. On top of all that, the Motion Picture Association of America actually has the balls to ask me, "Would you steal a car? Would you steal a CD? Then why would you steal a movie online?" So now I'm stealing your propaganda? I don't know. I should ask myself, "Would I jam a red hot copper wire in my eyeball? Would I attach vice grip pliers to my nutsack? Then why would I duct tape myself to a chair, glue my eyelids open with thin set mortar and watch a two hour infomercial on clown makeup brought to you by the CIA?"
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