I'm tired of being mocked as a conspiracy nut. It's payback time. Just like a rubber band that gets stretched to its limit there is a boundary to every force in the universe. It's a unifying principal. Everything in the known universe has its opposite. Call it the opposable force or whatever you want. Satan, the Devil, or a rebellious spirit that flows through everything and fucks shit up. That rubber band has to return to its original rubber band state eventually or snap. So this is for you Mr. Skeptic. And to all those sane individuals who think everything can be explained and everything is in its right place. I want to ridicule you till you crawl into a hole and piss on yourself babbling incoherent mono-syllables as a gang of pumpkin headed grey aliens shovel dirt into your unmarked grave.
This is what I hate. Have you ever been talking about something you find interesting that most people would call a conspiracy? Let's say you read something somewhere and it perked your interest and you just wanted to know if the guy on the bar stool to your left, with his shirt tucked in, who you've been buying drinks for the past hour, heard or read the same thing or might be able to open his mind to the possibility. Could be aliens, 9-11, crop circles, Sasquatch, the Kennedy assassination, implantable chips or the fluoride in our drinking water that's making us all trust the government. Have you ever heard this? "Well if it's such a big conspiracy why hasn't anyone come forward? I mean if it's that vast you would think someone would have said something". Most conspiracy nuts get stuck here with no place to go. They stutter and babble on about the media or just change the subject and talk about the latest football game. Here's where I'll help you if you read on and trust me. This is what I say to the guy with the tucked in shirt.
"Hey, you ever drove across the country and pulled into a small town?"
"Sure. I was just out in De Soto, Kansas the other day. I had to pick up my autistic cousin at the day care center."
"So you drove down that two lane 44 highway and you went through Overland Park, Olathe, Blue Springs and Leavenworth until you got to De Soto?"
"Well yeah, what does that have to do with 9-11 and all the people that had to be involved in your nut bag conspiracy?"
"Ok so you drove through all those small towns and you probably drove past the city signs as you were coming in, like "Welcome to De Soto Kansas". Did you see the small aluminum signs bolted across the bottom? You know, Eagles Lodge, Rotary Club, Knights of Columbus and Free and Accepted Masons?"
"Yeah I know what you're talking about. I've seen those signs."
"Do you know anything about the Freemasons?"
"It's a fraternal organization. They help crippled kids like my fucked up cousin."
"Yeah, same as Hezbollah. Never mind. Anyway the Freemasons are an organization in every town in America and all over the world that worships the Great Architect. They have this ritual when you first get inducted. You lie down in a mock grave and re-enact the story of Hiram Abif. According to traditional history from the Bible, Hiram Abif was murdered by three craftsmen working on the construction of Solomon's temple in an effort to elicit information from the Master Mason. Whatever the information or secret was, Abif did not reveal it to them before his death. Samuel 5:11, Chronicles 2:13 and Kings I 7:13-14"
"Ah yeah so what? I'm not sure where you're going with this."
"You drive through every town in America and you see aluminum signs marking a Masonic club of some sort that takes an obscure passage from the Bible and worships secrets and/or Hiram Abif the man who would not divulge the secret and you still believe everything is in its right place and you get all the information you need to find out what is what? You say someone would have to come forth and have spilled the beans but you see these signs in every town and you just think it's some fraternal organization that helps crippled kids? By the way, the men who are drawn to Freemasonry always seem to hold positions of power. They are the bankers of that town, the judges, police, city council members, mayors, district attorneys, lawyers, businessmen and maybe even the editor of the local newspaper."
"You're losing it. Buy me another drink."
"Yeah I'm losing it. I lost it a long time ago. But I think you know what my point is. We have a cult in every town in America that worships secrets and you just asked if this conspiracy is so big, why hasn't someone come out and disclosed all the secrets? Answer me this. Why do we have a Masonic Temple in every shit town all across the country? What are they doing behind those closed doors? Why are the windows always filled with bricks? Why can't I just walk in and listen to what they have to say? Why do I have to have two accepted Freemasons allow me in? What's up with the Hiram Abif worship? What is this ritual? De Soto Kansas? Why De Soto? There's like two hundred people in that town. Or Lawrence, Leavenworth, Sedalia, Olathe, Blue Springs and Overland Park? Wherever you go. Not only in America but every small town in England, India, Russia, France, Spain and Switzerland. What's going on? All over the world they worship this guy and perform the ritual. Oh but if it's a secret it must come out some day? AM I THE NUTBAG? OH! I'M THE CRAZY GUY! THE CONSPIRACY IS EVERYWHERE AND YOU JUST SIT ON YOUR ASS AND DRINK MY BEER?"
"I think I have to go."
"Yeah you can just fuck off! You're one of them! I could tell by the way you tucked in your shirt you FUCKING FREEMASON! IS THERE NO HELP FOR THE WIDOW'S SON? ARE YOU ON THE SQUARE? HEY SUCK MY COCK AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT FREEDOM IS!"
This is where I usually get kicked out of the bar.
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