Oh why oh why do I have this goddam demon box in my house? Is it any wonder that the Nazis created the world’s first regular TV programming? I’ll admit it. I was raised with a television in my house. Everyone in our neighborhood had one. Every fucking house in America had one. It’s kind of creepy when you think of it, this giant glass satanic eye in every house spewing all kinds of pointless crap at all hours of the day. Now I’m a grown human with a small amount of book learning and a healthy dose of skepticism and it boggles my mind what Americans watch. It seems to me that we here in the Great United States are obsessed with justice: police, lawyers, judges, detectives, crime scene investigators, district attorneys, dog catchers, bounty hunters and glorified security guards. But wait! Is it the American public that requests this drivel? Or are they shoving it down our throats as some kind of moral bullshit propaganda tool?
What is it with all the crime shows? It’s gotten to the point where I don’t give a flying fuck when people get killed. Every show they’re chasing after a serial killer. We all get this pumped into our house. Even the news is filled with pedophiles, unsolved murders, police surveillance, headless torsos, wanted criminals and drug busts. I don’t care anymore. Just off the top of my head I’ll list all the retarded shows that make me want to puke blood. CSI, Law & Order, Cops, NYPD, American Justice, Cold Case, JAG, Criminal Minds, NCIS, Shark, Monk, Without A Trace, 24, The District, The Professionals, The Job, The Shield. The list goes on and on and on. And these are just the latest shows. Did I mention all the cop shows from the 70s and 80s that are still in syndication? Columbo, Streets Of San Francisco, Baretta, 21 Jump Street, ADAM-12, Hawaii Five-O, Dragnet, Kojak, Miami Vice, Police Woman and Starsky & Hutch.
It’s gotten to the point where I identify with the criminal. They’re always more interesting than the detectives. So what if they killed twenty-seven people, buried body parts under their mother's tomato patch and kept a detailed diary. At least the serial killers, pedophiles, murders and rapists have some kind of personality. They have cool stories. They’re interesting and quirky compared to the idiot detectives with the same old hackneyed characters. Oh goddam he loves his coffee and his wife left him and he doesn’t follow the rules or he has a pet bird or a beat up car and his boss is an asshole, he tells his little jokes, he wears his suit and tie and he rolls up his sleeves, you want him to fuck his sexy hot partner but they never seem to be able to get together because they have to get back to work, and don’t forget that edgy dark humor when they find the dead body. Oh the knee slappin’ hilarity! He hates his job and he has to tell jokes to get through it all! Woop de fucking do!
I don’t care anymore! I’m starting to think that the people who are murdered by the serial killer need to die. It’s fiction anyway. It’s not real. Of course I care if anyone gets killed or dies in reality. But this is TV and I have a sinking suspicion there’s a guy behind that box pulling some kind of string to keep us all afraid and train our minds to trust authority. They want to keep us in our little apartment and have faith in the suit and tie world. And every one of these cheese dicks wear a suit and tie. I DON’T KNOW ANYONE WHO WEARS A SUIT AND TIE! I don’t like these people. I don’t want to be around them. I don’t want to talk to them. They are the people who are fucking me every hour of the day in ever position imaginable. They're the cops and judges and detectives and lawyers! EVERYONE hates these people! Why are they on TV all the time? Every time I see a guy with a tie on in public I want to walk right up to him and say, “Hey nice tie. I wouldn’t wipe my ass with that tie! And you have it around your neck!”
Let’s not forget who invented the TV. The first television broadcast was of a Nazi rally. And now this devil tube is in every house. The controllers have us all by the balls and they’re shoving their morality plays up our ass like a propaganda colonoscopy. Just as Bill Hicks said it’s Lucifer’s Dream Box. Fuck them! I say identify with the criminal. Cheer when they kill people. They need to die. And all the cop shows need to fuck off too. Set your TV on fire, piss on it and toss it out the window.
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