I was listening to an interview on NPR with some professor who taught a class on the history of modern conspiracy thought. He said most things have a mundane explanation or happen by accident. The paranoid will come up with all kinds of hidden machinations with a dark controller pulling strings behind a curtain because they just can’t handle living in a world without destination or purpose. But why invent the creepiest nightmare scenario? Why would someone say there must be an evil plan when all the sober people know events really happen at random?
I’d like to confess. Sometimes before I go to sleep at night I pray that the whole of life is one giant half baked farce. But it seems, in my experience, just the people in my own little world who have any power at all: my boss, the landlord, the police, the bill collector, the tax man, the pastor and even that wacky military industrial behemoth we have here in the great United States, are the same people who preach destination and purpose. They’re the last ones to let it all go and say it’s just a giant fucked up dream.
Am I the freak here? Everyone with more power than me has a plan. They all have their destination, purpose, balance sheet, map, compass and square. Next time my credit card company calls or I get pulled over by the police for speeding, I’m just going to say, “Don’t you know it’s a world without destination or purpose? You’d have to be a conspiracy nut to believe any of this really happened. I’m not in on the whole thing. That's absurd. Why don’t you just forget about the money I owe you or how fast I was going and we’ll hang out at my flat, drink a giant bottle of wine and laugh at how silly this is?” Do you think it would work? Wouldn’t it just be peaches and creamed corn!
Oh wait, I don’t have any power do I? The people with all the power are the ones to enlighten me, “It's meaningless. I can’t tell you why. I’m just doing my job. Now do as I say!”
And how do they keep their secrets? My question is this: why would you think people in a position of power have to tell you anything? They have all the power. They can tell you whatever they want. Let me give you an example. Have you ever had an argument with your landlord and got right down to why they need the money? Have you ever asked them, “Are you starving or broke? Are you eating Ramen noodles? I have nothing right now. How much money do you have in the bank?”
What do they say every time? “Oh that’s none of your business. I don’t have to tell you anything and that’s not the point. You just have to pay me. If I don’t get the money by tomorrow I’ll start eviction proceedings. You owe me $685. Don’t these numbers mean anything to you?”
“Oh I forgot. I’m the conspiracy nut. I can see your plan and purpose. I know exactly what you mean. I’m getting kind of paranoid right now the deeper I look. If I don’t pay up you’ll send the cops around to evict me or throw me in court.”
“That's right! Officially I have a 99-year lease. You're subletting and the plan is for you to pay me once a month. I don’t have time to argue right now because I scheduled a dentist appointment at 8:45.”
“Can you give me a day or two? Oh and by the way, you didn’t come over to fix my toilet Tuesday. You said you’d be here at five to see what the problem was.”
“Oh that day was all screwed up. I didn’t see it coming. 19 midgets with box cutters slashed the tires on my car, set my dick on fire and ran away with your new toilet. That’s the official story and it's historically accurate. I know what you’re saying. I’m just an asshole and I’m lying because I’m a greedy bastard. People always look for some hidden meaning or insidious plan. But I’m telling you just how it happened. It was pointless and weird. Right out of the blue they torched my dick and nut sack with an ordinary Bic lighter. I thought it was a group of kids at first who somehow figured out the Child Guard® mechanism. Remember the old Bic lighters? They just worked. Now they have that tiny lever you have to pull over. So my dick is on fire and I get a call from the fire department commander, telling me they may not be able to contain the fire, and I said, 'Maybe the smartest thing to do is pull it.' But I was really talking to this other guy at the time about these new lighters and forgot I was on the speaker phone. Now people are saying I pulled my own dick off because I set myself on fire. It's just those goddamn Bic lighters! I know the safety measures are there for a reason. They prevent all hell from breaking loose. I still have a dick. The police are investigating it right now.”
“Man that is weird.”
“I know. It was a pointless event without destination or purpose. But I have to get going. Make sure that check is in the mail with the late fees or I’ll start the proceedings. I’m dealing with a crazy band of midgets here and taxes have gone up with property values and the police want a report while I’m out looking for your hijacked toilet. You have two days.”
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